I can't use my garage. It has 3 inches of water in it. There's no drainage and the elevation is slightly lower than the neighbors. Water rolls downhill. Also, the little area in between the garage and the alley is higher than the garage, so it can't drain out the front, either. Also, it doesn't have the right gutters and hasn't been maintained properly. Bad planning and lack of maintenance all around. The garage floor is either a swimming pool or a skating rink, deepening on the temperature. I have to park outside until all the snow melts and the ground thaws. I don't know when that will be. It's snowing right now. It's not such a problem to park outside, except that the saggy pants lurk in the alley, holding their penises, and look for things to steal or damage. Or cats to set on fire. I won't ever forget the sound of that cat screaming. Lovely people. If they break into the car, it will cost me so much money for the deductible. If I could park in the garage, the car would be out of sight. It's so stressful worrying about the car all the time. I hate the East Side of St. Paul. I can't believe this is where I live. I feel so trapped. I'd like to move before next winter and another season of leaks and parking outside. I had hoped my next move would be to my own townhouse. But I don't think that's going to happen. Loser. Such a complete loser. I'm not sure if I can even find a rental townhouse I can afford. It would be so nice to live someplace safe again.
Sending resumes out and not receiving any response whatsoever is so awful. You don't even get rejection letters or emails now for most things.
Lately, whatever I send out of any kind gets no response. Happy Birthday, congratulations on te new job, new baby, whatever. Nobody sends thank you notes or even emails anymore. I'm left wondering if they received it at all. No response is not good for someone who feels invisible.
The White Bear Unitarian Universaliist Church keeps sending pledge notices. I think the low tier of my suggested offering is $1,500. I can't remember what tier 2 and tier 1 are, except that they were higher. I haven't been back in months. It was just me walking around with a coffee cup in my hand looking hopeful. It was the same old story. I am not someone people want to know. I joined last fall and someone called me last week to ask how I like the place. I guess they have no regular mechanism for contacting new members and the interest profile I filled out at joining went into a file, got recycled, who knows. Immediately, she wanted me to say I would work in the nursery to give parents a break. Um, no. Just because I'm childless, doesn't mean I want to be the unpaid caregiver for other people's children. Or I can wipe tables after meals. It's the same old thing with churches. I feel like I've served my time as a church basement woman. I don't want to clean up after people anymore. I don't know if I will go back. Apart from getting my pledge, they certainly don't seem interested in me. And I can't afford to pledge what they want. Another failure.
My African violets are doing well. The aloe vera is about to flower. I got some lovely birthday flowers from Sarah in Tallahassee. They came with their own vase. They're sitting on the table in the dining nook or whatever you might call it. I've had to cover the pretty drop leaf table with remnant piece of oilcloth that is really ugly. But the ice dam over the skylight causes leaks. Why in the world someone put a skylight there. In the seasons when it isn't completely iced over, it is full of whatever the maple tree drops. You never get any light through it. Stupid. But I suppose someone didn't think that t would turn out that way.
I am having a lot of trouble showering, finding clean clothes, etc., to wear to work. It seems like climbing Everest. Last week I wore the same things the whole work week. I knew I was being weird, but I couldn't seem to do anything about it.
I wish I were dead. Every day. And every day, I'm still here.