Monday, March 24, 2014


Not sure how I've got through the last couple of days. The despair has been so strong. This little voice asks over and over "is it time?" And it's getting harder and harder to say no. 

I can't use my garage. It has 3 inches of water in it. There's no drainage and the elevation is slightly lower than the neighbors. Water rolls downhill. Also, the little area in between the garage and the alley is higher than the garage, so it can't drain out the front, either. Also, it doesn't have the right gutters and hasn't been maintained properly. Bad planning and lack of maintenance all around. The garage floor is either a swimming pool or a skating rink, deepening on the temperature. I have to park outside until all the snow melts and the ground thaws. I don't know when that will be. It's snowing right now. It's not such a problem to park outside, except that the saggy pants lurk in the alley, holding their penises, and look for things to steal or damage. Or cats to set on fire. I won't ever forget the sound of that cat screaming. Lovely people. If they break into the car, it will cost me so much money for the deductible. If I could park in the garage, the car would be out of sight. It's so stressful worrying about the car all the time. I hate the East Side of St. Paul. I can't believe this is where I live. I feel so trapped. I'd like to move before next winter and another season of leaks and parking outside. I had hoped my next move would be to my own townhouse. But I don't think that's going to happen. Loser. Such a complete loser. I'm not sure if I can even find a rental townhouse I can afford. It would be so nice to live someplace safe again. 

Sending resumes out and not receiving any response whatsoever is so awful. You don't even get rejection letters or emails now for most things. 

Lately, whatever I send out of any kind gets no response. Happy Birthday, congratulations on te new job, new baby, whatever. Nobody sends thank you notes or even emails anymore. I'm left wondering if they received it at all. No response is not good for someone who feels invisible.

The White Bear Unitarian Universaliist Church keeps sending pledge notices. I think the low tier of my suggested offering is $1,500. I can't remember what tier 2 and tier 1 are, except that they were higher. I haven't been back in months. It was just me walking around with a coffee cup in my hand looking hopeful. It was the same old story. I am not someone people want to know. I joined last fall and someone called me last week to ask how I like the place. I guess they have no regular mechanism for contacting new members and the interest profile I filled out at joining went into a file, got recycled, who knows. Immediately, she wanted me to say I would work in the nursery to give parents a break. Um, no. Just because I'm childless, doesn't mean I want to be the unpaid caregiver for other people's children. Or I can wipe tables after meals. It's the same old thing with churches. I feel like I've served my time as a church basement woman. I don't want to clean up after people anymore. I don't know if I will go back. Apart from getting my pledge, they certainly don't seem interested in me. And I can't afford to pledge what they want. Another failure.

My African violets are doing well. The aloe vera is about to flower. I got some lovely birthday flowers from Sarah in Tallahassee. They came with their own vase. They're sitting on the table in the dining nook or whatever you might call it. I've had to cover the pretty drop leaf table with remnant piece of oilcloth that is really ugly. But the ice dam over the skylight causes leaks. Why in the world someone put a skylight there. In the seasons when it isn't completely iced over, it is full of whatever the maple tree drops. You never get any light through it. Stupid. But I suppose someone didn't think that t would turn out that way.

I am having a lot of trouble showering, finding clean clothes, etc., to wear to work. It seems like climbing Everest. Last week I wore the same things the whole work week. I knew I was being weird, but I couldn't seem to do anything about it. 

I wish I were dead. Every day. And every day, I'm still here.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Would a scarf draw attention away from the bags under my eyes?

I actually made a little effort to dress appropriately for this conference I was forced to attend in ugly Blaine. But I obviously didn't succeed. You have to have something to work with, I suppose.

The not sleeping is showing more and more.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Saturday, March 8, 2014

I have not named him

I realized clearly this morning at 5:02 a.m. that I have no extra. None at all. 

 I found this dog on Thursday evening as I was walking Buddha. It actually occurred to me to do nothing. But, of course, I didn't go with that. So I have this Cocker Spaniel in my house. Since Thursday evening. And I am posting fliers and posting Found Dog notices and taking him to the local vet to be scanned for a microchip (none) and calling the St. Paul police (uninterested) and Animal Control and on and on. And my hands are shaking and I'm exhausted. And this is a pleasant dog, only a bit clingy, not too barky, has not yet ruined my floor, doesn't appear to mark. And still I feel overwhelmed and tired and I realize that just the smallest thing pushes me over the edge. Trying to figure out how I'm supposed to print out flyers at Kinko's and post them in the neighborhood and still somehow get laundry done and boil eggs for the week and find the forms for the health care reimbursement things in which were due at the end of December and I am now in March at the very end of the 90 day grace period just makes my mind swirl.

He doesn't interact with Buddha. If I didn't have Buddha this little Cocker would be a very pleasant dog, still active, to have but he doesn't interact with B so it's like having two separate dogs instead of buddies, if you know what I mean. He doesn't solve the Buddha is lonely for dog interaction problem.

I should have just dropped him off at animal control yesterday the minute they opened. I shouldn't have assumed that I could handle the situation. I should have just let the professionals handle it. It's just that he's a nice little guy and Animal Control is stone kennels, and you know how they feel about senior dogs, and he'll be infected with kennel cough because they all are, and he's nice little guy.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Slipped on the ice and broke my...well, nothing

Seven stitches in the leg. Sling for the arm. Large bottle of Vicodin to add to the stash that I'm collecting for that big day. But I didn't break anything. I hurt all over, am black and blue, and generally feel like I've been on the bottom of a rugby scrum.

And we're expecting 10 inches of snow.

And the polar vortex returns in a few days. We had two days of 38 to 40F. I felt almost sane. But soon we'll be back into the "highs" being below zero. I need to move.

I still don't know what I gashed my leg on. There was blood all over the snow, but no obvious sharp thing around. It's a mystery. I'm current on my tetanus shots, so I'm covered there. Have you ever read a description of lockjaw? Sounds like something the Spanish Inquisition would have liked in their toolbox.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

My Fiestaware collection is growing

Did you know that Fiestaware is made in the U.S.? I'm buying a little bit every other payday. Macy's has it and it's often on sale plus Macy's sends out a ton of 15% off coupons if you sign up for their emails. I now have six place settings (dinner plate, salad plate, mug, and the pictured bowl) and five little fruit bowls. I also have two vintage Fiestaware bowls in a sort of faded peach that I love. I would like to have 8 place settings and matching little fruit bowls, and some of the ancillary pieces like the pitcher, platters, chili bowls, etc. I'd like to be out there collecting the vintage Fiestaware -- love the old colors -- but it's a bit pricy in the antique shops these days. Also, I am very hard on dishes.

Friday, February 14, 2014

In which I discover Meyer lemons

A cross between a lemon and a mandarin orange. Most delicious things. I've gone off water in the last couple of weeks (I know, that's like saying I've gone off air; various ancestors are rolling their eyeballs in disbelief), and I needed something to jazz it up and get me back drinking my usual.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Tracks I don't know in the snow

All the way down Furness Parkway there were these distinct tracks amid the plethora of dog, rabbit, and boot prints. A long swoosh followed by a paw print. But only one set, no matching alongside. I wonder what made them.